Bohemian Cinema By Jonathan Pacheco

5 Rules That Prevent You From Ruining My Theatrical Experience

Tags: Theaters, Watching Movies, Rules

I read a blog entry at LifeHack that listed some easy, simple ways to improve your life immediately. One of these was was “Don’t invent rules.” It talked about not restricting yourself with needless rules that make you anxious, nervous, petty, or a self-righteous bigot.

It got me thinking about something: did you know that I have rules for watching films? Did you know that you do also? Well, we all do, it’s just that some of ours are more extreme than others. I don’t consider my rules to be extreme, but sometimes they’re unfamiliar to outsiders.

Sure, I have the usual rules (talking during movies, pausing DVDs…), but here are a few extra laws to abide by when acting as my moviemate at the local theater:

1. When saving seats for someone, and you see them, do not wave or yell to get their attention. That’s too embarrassing. You can either let them continue to look around with that pathetic lost look on their faces until they finally spot you, or you can do something a little low-key but creative. Me? I simply open my cellphone and turn it towards them, so that they see a glow in the middle of the semi-darkness.
2. It’s cool to make fun of others for laughing too much at the previews. Not really a rule, but I find it funny that people will see a preview for a film in their living room, on TV, and maybe give it a chuckle. But they’ll see that very same trailer in a movie theater and now they’re dying of laughter. So feel free to make snarky comments and mock-laughs to your neighbor. Making fun of each trailer as it ends is also appropriate, just don’t be too self-conscious about it, and definitely be aware of your volume (you’ll find yourself yelling over the trailer, only to have it end, causing you to now be yelling over silence).
3. The Post-Film Time, the time taken to walk out of the theater, is reserved for silence. You can speak if you must, but if you utter one word about the film you just saw, a smack in the head is an appropriate retaliation. It was long established in my family that we didn’t want to be the people walking out of the theater going, “I like the part when….” That’s not us; that’s way too cheesy. Even if you just pretend to start that conversation, I know people who will walk away with their hands over their ears.
4. Even smiling on the way out is prohibited. Plus, you’ll be mocked for days afterwards. I like my cheese on my pizza, thank you very much.
5. You are not allowed to discuss the film and its merits until the next day. It’s just one of those things, and it’s related to No. 3 and 4. I don’t want to know what you thought about the film—not immediately—and I don’t want to tell you what I thought because frankly, I need a little time to think about it. You can talk about something that happened at the theater (loud teenagers, a funny comment that your moviemate made), but don’t even think about transitioning to movie-talk. My girlfriend tries this and it fails every time.

I’m sure there are more rules, but I’m too tired to think of them. Would my life be better if I got rid of my “rules?” I suppose so. But then again, these are so much fun.

I’m curious: what are some of your rules?