Bohemian Cinema By Jonathan Pacheco

“House of 1000 Corpses” (2003)

Directed by Rob Zombie

Satisfaction:Frustrated Tags: Rob Zombie, Horror

In 2003, musician Rob Zombie decided to jump into the film world with House of 1000 Corpses, a movie that follows four young adults on a roadtrip as they stumble upon a wacky gas station (that also has, among other things, a “murder ride”). They hear a “true story” about a man known as “Dr. Satan,” and within minutes, they’re off to find the spot where he was supposedly hanged. Well, cars break down, mysterious houses are entered, and insane bumpkins are met. The rest is pretty easy to figure out.

The first thing that hit me while watching this film is that I didn’t care about anyone. The four main characters, the victims, if you will, are vastly underdeveloped, and when we actually do see what they act like, they’re snotty brats and total idiots. Unfortunately, the film pretty much follows these unappealing characters all the way to their doom. So the ones we’re supposed to care about, we don’t. What about the bad guys? Well, the bad guys are just about as charismatic as our protagonists; they are all 2-dimensional stereotypes of psychotic hillbillies, and boring ones at that. The only character who shows any sort of personality is Captain Spaulding, owner of the gas station, and he’s barely a minor character. But when he’s on screen, he lights it up.

So when a “good guy” gets killed, we don’t care, because they were annoying. If a “bad guy” kills or gets killed, we don’t care, because they’re annoying and lame. What’s left? Why should I enjoy this movie when I hate every single character, save one? Is it possible to like a movie where you don’t care about anyone? Well, I’m sure it is. 300 had almost zero likable characters, but its ambitious scale and battle scenes allowed me to at least enjoy myself a little. What does House bring to the table?

Grainy footage and bad scares—and by “bad” I mean “unscary” and “unsuccessful.” Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a total sissy when it comes to horror films, which is why I’m selective when it comes to which ones I watch. But when I do watch horror films, I expect to pee my pants. This is not a hard accomplishment, but House of 1000 Corpses actually fails because Rob Zombie resorts to uninspired cliches; what was meant to shock makes me think, “That’s it?”

There are a few ideas in the art direction where I can see some amazing potential. There’s an underground character that we briefly see doing some sort of evil surgery to patients strapped to dental chairs. This “surgeon” has cables and cords attached from his arms to the ceiling, leaving his arms always hanging in mid-air. The character is something stunning to look like, and would not be out of place in a fantasy film like Pan’s Labyrinth.

I have a feeling that Rob Zombie has this fantasy inkling. During the climax of the film, a character, dressed in a bunny suit, attempts to escape and ends up down a dark hole that houses demented underground creatures. She gets the costume ripped off, and underneath, she wears what looks like a little girl’s dress. As she moves around underground, one of the major problems with House of 1000 Corpses becomes apparent: Rob Zombie only cares about seeing his ideas put on screen, no matter how random or incoherent they are. For example, the girl walks down a hallway lit in an eery green glow, and she opens a door to a glowing red room that contains another cast of sick characters. It’s obviously an homage to Through the Looking Glass, but none of it really has a purpose. It feels like Zombie is haphazardly choosing “cool” things he wants to see, and he slaps them on there. Had this scene not been completely random and pointless, it would have been pretty awesome. Yet it’s out of place with the tone of the film, the plot of the film, and most everything else.

There are other homages in this film (such as that blatant one to Deliverance), but because the movie is so pointless and because every erratic tribute is so standalone, they all feel weak, self-important and obvious. As a result, the entire film feels weak, self-important and obvious. I see some potential in Rob Zombie as a filmmaker, but this film is just a lot of nothing.